Reunited, and it feels so...dangerous?

Day Nine
356 Days Remaining

My 20-year high school reunion was this weekend.

They dreamed about their reunion, too.

When I decided to go a full year without dating, I have to admit that the upcoming high school reunion did cross my mind.  I suppose, in the back of my mind, little ol' romantic me had the idea that - as in so many TV shows and movies - a great love would materialize at my reunion, and I would find that elusive partner I've been searching (under rocks) for.  Be aware: I didn't have anyone in particular in mind, as my "great love" during high school had already graduated, and we dated for the entire two years I was enrolled.  It didn't leave much room in my heart for me to develop a crush on anyone else, so I haven't spent the past twenty years mourning the possibility of a relationship from my high school and waiting with bated breath for the chance to see him again.  Still, there was the thought that I might rekindle something...or "kindle" something new, I suppose, would be a better way of putting it.  So, knowing that I was heading for that admittedly far-fetched possibility, I had a few thoughts that maybe I shouldn't actually commit to this dating hiatus.  Or, perhaps, that I should wait until after the reunion, on the off chance that someone special would be there. 

However, my reasons for the sabbatical (see Word to the Whys) still stood, and before I even had them set in stone (ie: written here for all the world to see) I knew that this was necessary and that it was time.  So I went ahead and committed, and I remain committed.

But yeah, it was a little tough last night.  Because you see, I didn't meet someone new, and I didn't rediscover an ancient crush, but I did reconnect with someone that I always really thought was a great guy way-back-when.  I have to admit that seeing him all grown up (and single) started those gears in my head turning.  I really enjoyed talking with him, felt incredibly comfortable with him, found that we shared a similar sense of humor and had experienced a few similar struggles, and found him attractive.  I liked him and I am fairly sure that he liked me.  Others seemed to notice it as well; we got a couple of little hints from people who wanted to point us out to each other ("Oh, so you're single?  Well, I know someone who's single and perfect for you...and she's sitting right beside you!") or gave us knowing glances when they saw us talking animatedly together. 

So what would I have done if this had happened prior to my decision to give up dating (and flirting and kissing and that darned "singles antenna")?  I probably would have pushed a bit (gently, of course!) to see if there was a possibility for this to go further.  I might have allowed our arms to touch accidentally-on-purpose while we were seated next to one another.  I quite possibly would have passed up the ride my lovely friend LeeMo offered me in order to linger longer at the venue and perhaps go dance a bit with this kind man and our mutual friends.  But I didn`t.  At the back of my mind was always that reminder...and if there was a devil on one shoulder, she was sure a lot smaller than the angel on the other one, constantly whispering in my ear, Listen here, chickie: you're on a dating hiatus.  Antenna down, woman!  (This particular angel is fairly modern and cool.  She has tattoos and I'm pretty sure her bellybutton is pierced.)  I had already told him I had given up dating for a time, so I felt fairly secure that he wouldn't flirt with me, but I also was aware that if I acted as though I might be willing to give my vow a little wiggle room it wouldn't say much for the type of person I am.  I want to be that strong person who stays true to my word - even when I've only given it to myself.  I probably did let down my guard a bit, but I would like to think that I was not overtly flirtatious.  I just enjoyed the time we spent chatting.

I like this guy.  I hope I get to see him again soon - not in a dating capacity, yet, but to chat more and to get to know a little more about each other and what we've been up to in the past twenty years.  I've always thought he was a good and kind person - I am not just attracted to him; I like him and who he is.  But...finally...I like myself more. 

I know that I deserve a man who will treat me properly and love me like crazy.  I don't know if anyone I've met yet in my life fits the bill for that future, but there is time for me to figure it out.  I'm not ruling out the possibility that this great guy who I "re"met last night is someone who will eventually be incredibly important in my life, but hey, if we have already waited 7,300 days (that's 20 years, if you were about to reach for your calculator) to get to the point that we got to yesterday, and if he is as great a guy as I suspect he is, then another 356 days is nothing.  Maybe he will be there at the end of this journey; maybe he won't.

For the first time in my life, I'm actually excited about the wait.

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"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11