plentyoffreaks.com

Day 4

361 days remaining

Last night, as advised (see post "The Guidelines"), I went through my phone and deleted the men I no longer see.  With the exception of HB...that will probably take a little longer.  I`m not texting him, though.  And then I went to delete my Plenty of Fish online profile, and as it had been quite some time since I'd checked it, I found some goodies in my Inbox waiting to give me a bit of a laugh before I signed out for good.  I thought - since now that I don`t have to take them seriously, and can actually laugh at them rather than smash my head down on the keyboard) I would share them with you:

Inbox Message #1: "You are absolutely gorgeous. My name is Fard Smellie, i'm 36, live in Victoria and i'm the owner of Flim Flam Flattery.  I have 2 very cute girls. I recently have been seperated with my wife (she's been having an affair with her African/Italian Chiropractor [oh, I'm glad he told me this, because I am sure it's important to our potential future relationship]). I'm an attractive, healthy, active, funny, very fun, sexy, romantic, outdoorsy guy. I love to cook and i'm very good at it so i may be able to impress you with my cooking skills. I really like your profile and was hoping we could get to know each other? I'm on facebook too (I'm SMELLIE FARD), my name backwards. I go to the gym twice a week and keep in shape. I'm almost vegetarian ["almost" vegetarian?  Is there a point to that?] but eat meat about 1-2 times every 1-2 weeks. I'm also on skype if you want to have a video chat, i'm at fard.smellie
I really hope to hear from you soon! Have an awesome day!
Big hugs, Fard"

The weirdest thing was that when - out of curiosity as to whether his name was real (it wasn`t Fard Smellie, but ridiculous enough that it made me wonder) - I checked for him on Facebook, we had three mutual friends.  All of whom were in completely different circles from each other.

Inbox Message #2: "hey hows it goin well my hobbys let me see well motorcross,camping,hiken,golf,football,baseball,rugby,my goals to win the lotto and pay off my bills and buy a house lol what makes me differant i luv to cuddle im a cuddle bug.kiss at all red lights.go thr mcdonalds drive thru backwards lol.music i love all types of music country rock rnb rap etc not picky"

Apparently his hobbies have never included taking an English class.  However, I am sure I would love to go "hiken" with him while listening to "rnb".

Inbox Message #3: "First Date? Laugh out log a lot!"

 

"Laugh out log"???  I might be tempted, just to find out what in the world that means.

Inbox Message #4: "Ok so i must be ugly as f@#k cause iam not getting any dates of here, What i really want is to find someone and fall in love blah blah blah but thats not working so now i would be happy with some company, you know hang out go for a ride on my motorcycle go to movies and maybe even get laid "gasp" hows that for honesty eh"

 

Oh, please: go on.  You're really selling yourself.  I had to remind myself that I was on Dating Hiatus just to keep from throwing myself at this guy.

 

Inbox Message #5:  "Hi to you, I am not described me as average. I have a strong personality and core, yet I am not aggressive in getting what I want. People say I am interesting and do I have many talents, a brain for being authentic and i am honest(to a fault). What I like to do most is paint and sculpt/build things and infuse this work with my philosophy and feelings. I can be quite intense. If you like to talk about theories and ideas we might get along well. 

 I am artistic, open minded, liberal, socialistic, spiritual, empathetic, compassionate, caring, creative and a little kinky." 

 

 

Inbox Message #6, from a guy who calls himself "buffnrich", who had never messaged me or spoken with me prior to sending this gem:  "TAKE A CHANCE YOUR LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING Single woman look at us as cheaters well maybe step into our shoes for a day, you dont know me so dont judge. Take a chance with someone attached. Yes i am MARRIED and bored!!! Hi i am a fit and attractive male who has a shaved head and goatee. I love working out and fitness. I also love music and varied taste from hard rock and heavy metal to hip hop and r&b to hindi music. Im in sales and i thrive on sales and my career is very busy. Im not looking for anything serious or long term but searching for someone to become friends with and hang out and see where it goes. If your attached and looking for a friend well thats cool too. I am canadian born and raised. OH BTW LOOKS ARE NOT EVERYTHING SO IF YOU CARRY SOME EXTRA POUNDS THATS COOL, LOOKS ONLY GO SO FAR, BUT AN OPENMIND, HONESTY, ARE WHAT IM LOOKING FOR."  

 

Buff, rich, a married cheater, condescending and offensive...all the things I've been looking for in a guy!

 

Inbox Message #7: 

"I have various hobbies, guitar, bondage, BDSM, motorcycle,
I am interested in a discreet relationship.
I work out almost everyday."

 

I just want to know what about the profile I had up attracts guys like this.  You would think that the rather stark all-caps line screaming "If you are not a Christian, DO NOT MESSAGE ME. If you are looking for sex or a one-night-stand, DO NOT MESSAGE ME.  If you are married or otherwise attached, DO NOT MESSAGE ME" would be a clue that I am not going to reply.

Inbox Message #8:  "So...First Date:  Something random. I just had an epiphany! Why not Speed Date together? Think about it. Not only do we get to date each other, if after 4 minutes, one of us is not feeling it, we don't have to select the option to see each other again. PLUS, You actually get to go on 20 dates in one night. If we do click, then, at the end, we can continue the date together and compare date stories from the evening! Sounds like fun, No? I'm totally in!"

 

Sorry, I'm not dating for a year, otherwise the idea of 20 dates in one night while I am actually on a date with someone might be appealing.

 

Let`s get meditative with Inbox Message #9, shall we?:  "as we all enter in and out of lives, some for mere moments that last forever, others forever, connected throughout time, do we still let ourselves just be? true to ourselves, our core being.in the moment, each and every one moment.
happy, sad, angry, nothing....
its all nothing without each other, as we are nothing without each other"

 

So what am I supposed to do with that?  Does this guy want to meet me?  Or does he want to lecture me?  Or encourage me?  I'm not sure.

 

I am fairly sure that Inbox Messager #10, a "gentleman" whom I had (firmly but, I thought, kindly) messaged after his initial email to tell him I was sorry, but I wasn't interested, intended intimidation rather than encouragement when he blasted me with:  "You either CHOOSE me or you LOSE me Because I'm not a second option. If you are in search of a relationship-next! It may happen, it may not-so relax, lets chill, play it by ear, have fun and see what happens next...Are you more than just another pretty face? I could go on and give you facts about myself but I have a feeling that most men give facts about themselves in the hopes that you might see something you like. I believe that the proof is in the pudding, but I will say this, I’ve partied from Canada to the US to India; I've chilled out with some of the most amazing people in every walk of life. I can blend in anywhere, Suit or Tie, shirts and flip flops it's all good. Now if any of what I have writen has touch you like it has touched me eveytime I read it, then respond back! [His own message thrills him so much, you'd think he'd be happy with his own company rather than searching on this website]
    "If you a typical mainland BC woman, don't waste your time. I'm far too good for you! As for the type of girl I want? Athletic, attractive on the inside, laid back, funny, goofy, ambitious, with honesty, trust and respect. Those are the keys to my time." 

 

Apparently, honesty is definitely the key to his time, because I was honest enough to tell him I didn't want to have anything to do with him, and he popped up again like a bad penny. 

Delete.  Delete, delete, delete...then "Remove profile".  I am gone from PoF...for the last time, I hope.  If this is what Victoria has to offer these days, then staying away from dating for 365 days will be preferable to wading through that pond.

Hope you had a few giggles like I did.  'Til next time,

L