Dealbreakers

Day 106
259 Days Remaining

Let's talk about Dealbreakers again.

It's been a while since I've visited my list of Dealbreakers, which I really have only just begun compiling.  After this recent little slip-up with Fig, I'm finding myself realizing yet again how very important it is not only to have a list of Dealbreakers, but to honor those Dealbreakers.  If I have a list of things that I absolutely won't accept in a man, but I ignore it when a sweet or nice or otherwise attractive guy comes along, then what's the point?  I want to figure out a way to strengthen my devotion to following that list, because I have proven to myself that it`s all too easy for me to write things down, but the follow-through needs some work.
Okay.  What have I got on my list so far?  Only two things that will mean he is not the right man for me:

1. He is not a Christian, and
2. He smokes or does drugs at all, or drinks (to excess)

Today I want to add a few things to my list, all of which I`ve decided on after reflecting on my relationships - specifically with HB, and, more recently, this time spent getting to know Fig.  These three new Dealbreakers are (drum roll please...):

3. He does not make me a priority in his life
4. He betrays me, lies to me, or hides something important from me, and
5. He is not proud to be with me.

Dealbreaker Number 3: He does not make me a priority in his life is apparently something that I have difficulty recognizing, probably due to the fact that I'm so busy making whoever I am in relationship with the number one priority in my life.  Perhaps a little balance is in order!  I do think it's important that I make sure that the person I am with knows that he is special and important and that I want to make him feel good and to be the best person he can be, but I should definitely not devote my entire life to taking care of his every need or fulfilling his every whim.  And I do want to be with someone who will be happy to spend time with me - not all his time, and certainly not at the expense of other important things or people in his life, but who shows me that he values me and cherishes our moments together.  I may not be more important than someone's mother, but I should be more important than his job or than his computer games!  I have become used to being disappointed by people; if I ask someone to help with something or to go somewhere with me, I almost expect now that I will be let down, because there have been too many instances when I have not been shown that my time, or things that matter to me, are important enough for anyone else to bother with.

Dealbreaker Number 4: He betrays me, lies to me, or hides something important from me.  This is also something where I have to learn to be a bit stronger.  I do not like being lied to or discovering that someone has withheld information from me - who does?  The problem is that I forgive way too easily.  I can feel horrified at a betrayal one moment, but if the offender talks to me and gives me an apology and an explanation, I roll over and forgive almost immediately, and then continue on in the relationship without keeping my guard up.  I suppose it's a good thing that I forgive easily, but I also need to recognize that forgiving someone doesn't always mean that things can continue on the way they were before the betrayal.  I need to stand up for myself a little more!  I can't be a doormat.  A betrayal or a "lie by omission" must be grounds for a dealbreaker.  I want my relationship to be founded in truth, no matter if it may be painful from time to time.

As for Dealbreaker Number 5: He is not proud to be with me, I want to be with someone who will hold my hand in public and be proud to walk with me.  I want someone who is so pleased to be with me that if I want to change our Facebook relationship status to "In a Relationship" he will be happy to add his name to mine online.  I want someone who loves to be silly and cheeky and even romantic in photographs with me, someone who will attend family events with me and made an effort to get along with my family, and who will go to events or concerts that are important to me, even if he doesn't like the artist or if he doesn't feel like it.  Not all of these are things that HB didn't do (he in fact loved to walk holding hands with me and bought us tickets for several concerts just because he knew I would love it), but when he balked at things that were important to me, it made me feel as though he wasn`t happy that we were together.

So, there we go: my list of Dealbreakers has been expanded from two to five.  Now time to start working on how I am going to stand by this list and make sure that when someone wonderful and nice comes into my life, I'll be able to recognize when there are things that I know that I absolutely don't want in a man and be able to say goodbye to him...no matter what.  I have my work cut out for me!

L