Dear Blog; I Still Love You

Day 285
80 Days Remaining

I can't even believe the numbers at the top of this post.  Day 285?  80 days remaining???  How did I get this far so fast?

Well, you're probably thinking I got this far by completely ignoring all of you, my blog, and the very fact that I am on a dating hiatus in the first place (slight guilty blush and hanging of the head).  It's been exactly one month since I last posted.  I must apologize for the long delay in continuing my story, but now that I've finally forced myself to sit down and put the pedal to the metal and the digits to the keyboard, maybe it would be a good idea to examine why, exactly, it has taken me so long to return to Goodbye, Dating.

At first it was because I didn't want to start writing anything new until I had finished writing about my California Adventure, and I just wasn't sure what to say about the last day (mainly because it wasn't terribly interesting!).  That meant that I just left the blog hanging.  Whenever something came up that I wanted to write about, I thought, Oh, but I'd have to finish writing about Day Five first, and I don't feel like doing that yet.  Days became weeks, and weeks have become more than a month.  I don't like leaving things this long, as the longer you leave something, the harder it is to get back to it. 

But I suppose that's not the only reason I left it so long.  Of course there is the fact that I returned from California and immediately faced a week of final exams, cramming, and panicking.  After the final exams came the preparations for moving into my new home, and after two and a half weeks spent cleaning the new house and taking load after load of my possessions to the new house in my little Toyota, it was time to start my six-week practicum, the last leg of my first year of nursing school (insert raucous Kermit-the-Frog-style arms-crazily-waving cheer here: yaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!).  The last few weeks have been spent rather occupied with the move and with practicing my math skills; it's never a good idea to begin medication administration to patients when you aren't sure how to calculate dosages.  So, once again, my little blog - which has always been very important to me, and continues to feel a little bit like a lost friend sitting patiently waiting for me - fell by the wayside while I was caught up in my life.

...and then there's the fact that it feels a little weird writing a blog about a dating hiatus when in some respects, I feel as though I am actually in a relationship.  I don't ever want to be anything less than honest in my blogging - what's the point in that?  (I mean yes, of course, I want to entertain and inspire, but not by being dishonest.)  The whole reason for blogging about this experience is for me to get my feelings and thoughts out in order to better work through them, and this has been a tremendously effective way for me to learn more about myself.  When I first started the blog, I said that I wanted to get over my last boyfriend (check); get to really know myself and become comfortable with who I am (check); improve my relationship with God (oh, such a big check); and make sure that I learned what I will and will not accept in a relationship with a man (check - although these things are admittedly more difficult to follow through on than to simply make note of).  I couldn't have managed to move forward with any of those things if I hadn't been completely honest with myself and with my readers.

So, in that vein of being honest, I have to admit to my dear Bloggy friend: Mitch Michelin and I are most definitely in some sort of a relationship. 

I can't completely define it, although technically, of course, we are not dating; it would be impossible to date someone who I have yet to meet in person.  It is definitely true that our relationship has evolved over the course of the past four months, and I am still enjoying where it's going.  The defining of the relationship is, at this point, not as important to me as the experiencing it, and I believe that's still part of me following through on the dating hiatus.  I am not in as much of a rush as I might have been in the past.  I know there is a distinct possibility that this relationship won't go anywhere - heck, I might not even get the chance to meet him. 

It's a balancing act for my emotions and I try not to give too much time and energy to it at this point.  That doesn't mean that I don't want to explore and try to understand what I'm feeling - I think that's probably one of the most important things for me to do during this time.  I need to make sure that I don't get caught up in the emotional aspect of things (an all-too-familiar trap for me), and that I try to work out my own take on what is happening and where things are at...and what I might do once things change (for example, once the sabbatical is over; if I actually get the chance to meet him; if something happens that makes me realize that I don't want to continue communicating with him, or vice versa).  I want to be logical without taking the romance - which I am enjoying tremendously - out of the situation.

So that's what I've been trying to do as Mitch and I continue our international communication: I enjoy hearing from him, but I try not to do that annoying girl thing where I get panicky if I don't hear from him.  I love sharing things about my life with him, but I hold back some of the things that shouldn't be shared until a deeper emotional connection has been made (or unless you're writing a blog!).  Although part of me wants "the grand gesture" for him to fly out here and surprise me, I try not to push him to get his butt over here and show me I am important to him.  These things don't need to happen now.  If they are supposed to happen, the time will come that it will happen.  And if not, I will have to be okay with that.  Once again, I revert to my mantra: I managed to get over Black Luke; I can get through anything.  (This reminder has helped me in so many ways...now don't get a swelled head, Luke!)  I believe I am realistic enough now - thanks in part to managing to get through my breakup with Black Luke, in part to growing up a little and learning to manage my Borderline Personality Disorder, and in part due to taking this past 285 days to reflect, evaluate, and learn who I am and why I am strong with or without a man in my life.

And there are still 80 days left to live, and more stories to tell, and more lessons to learn.  I know that a lot can happen in the remaining two and a half months, so now that I've broken my (slightly embarrassed) silence, let's continue on this journey.  I'm not quite ready to abandon 285 days of growth for someone who, so far, I only know by his words.  Yes, he is important to me, but I am more important to me - finally - and at this point, I need to be.

Let's see what happens next!

L