135 Days Remaining
So...you all want to know what's happening, you say? Everyone is wondering a) who this mysterious "Michelin Man" is; b) what's happened since I last posted about him, and c) whether his presence in my life means I am giving up on my dating hiatus. It's rather early to answer these things, but I will do my very best to address at least some of what you are all very curious to know.
What's happened since I last posted about him? Well, we have continued to talk, in text, email and on the phone, and things have been moving along and growing steadily. It amazes me how strongly one can come to feel about another person when they haven't even met each other. I think about him all the time; I want his opinions on things; I look forward to hearing from him; I feel like I miss him even though we've never actually touched. It's incredibly romantic in some ways - the distance means that the only way we can really reach each other is through words, and words just happen to be my love language. He does have a definite way with them and that is a huge attraction for me.
I do have to admit that I have thought this relationship through endlessly. I mean, there are a lot of factors to consider if we are going to end up together (and of course I am romantic enough that I do imagine that happening...trumpets blasting in triumph as we scale the mountains of adversity and distance and everything works out perfectly and we remain blissfully in love until the end of time!), and when you get to my age - and have wasted a lot of time already - you don't enter into a romantic relationship without considering the possibility of marriage, or at least a future. If there's absolutely no way for it to work, it's better to pull the plug sooner rather than later. I shouldn't invest the time in someone if I'm not going to end up with him - I want to find the man who wants to be with me forever. If it's Mitch, then that's going to be a hard road. I (finally) believe I'm worth it, but will he?
So it goes without saying that Lisa the overthinker has been wracking her brain trying to see how all of this would pan out. Would Mitch want to move here (I doubt it)? Would I have to move to the States (I couldn't at this point)? Will he wait while I finish my Nursing degree (I'm not quitting!)? What about the kids? What about the exes? What about money and time and stress and loneliness and sadness and a long-distance relationship? Is it worth it - could it be worth it?
Lisa the Romantic and Lisa the Overthinker agree that love is worth anything it takes to get there. It may not be pretty and it could be a difficult road, but I am always that eager optimist who is loyal and loving to a fault. I know that I would do anything for the man I love...but the man I'm looking for will also be willing to do anything for us. I don't know if that's Mitch. It's fun to think that it could be. It's actually fun to think about how we could get past all the obstacles that the circumstances of our meeting - and our statuses as a mom and a dad to several children who must always be considered in the equation - ensure will be absolutely present in our journey. I've been lonely long enough - and I recognize in him enough characteristics of the man that I want in my future - that I daydream about how we will jump those fences.
|Something I had to continually remind myself of while I was working on getting over HB|
That will happen exactly one week from today when I step off the plane in California.
Yes, it's time to see if the strength of what we are beginning to feel over the wires of the Internet and the textiverse can be translated into something when we are actually in one another's physical presence. Thus, all plans regarding how many months of each year I'll spend in Canada versus in the States, and how often he can visit here, and how long he will have to wait for me, and how well the kids will get along with each other, have to be put on the back burner. It's entirely possible that I will see him and that spark won't be there. It's also entirely possible that he's built me up in his mind as something much more than I am, and he will be disappointed. I don't know how I will react if that happens - I'll likely be sad, but I hope I won't be devastated. I am so pleased that I've been able to feel this way again...it has been so long for me. However long it lasts, I am going to allow myself to enjoy it.
And truthfully, I am a little more worried about the other possibility: the possibility that I will see him and everything that I am already feeling for him will be exponentially multiplied (love squared?). If that happens, then I have no idea where we're going to go from there. That means that Lisa the Overthinker will come out in full force and join Lisa the Planner and Lisa the Eternal Optimist to try to come up with a plan that will work to make this happen.
And if I haven't found "him", then life goes on. Maybe a little bit less enthusiastically for a while, but it will. And I'm way better equipped to handle that disappointment than I would have been 230 days ago.