296 Days Remaining
I know several of you have been waiting anxiously to hear more about HB, but I`ve had a really hard time writing about him. It seems like there just aren't the right words to express the enormity of my feelings toward him, plus so many things about our time together are precious and special and I feel the need to keep them private, so it's difficult to know how to edit things to be truthful while at the same time protecting what we had. I was talking with a friend yesterday about it and she suggested that because I am still so wrapped up in him, it's making it difficult, and I suppose that must be true. So, while I promise I will continue on with the story, please bear with me as I work through some other things that have occurred recently.
I feel very lost today. I have been struggling through a lot of things recently - my plate is so full that I can't see the bottom even when I dig down deep. Part of the difficulty with blogging is that I want to be able to show my strengths and what I have already learned, and it's hard to admit that I am not always strong and that I am having a hard time with things. Well, I have to admit it. I am sinking under these huge burdens.
Last month I had the surprise of all three of my tenants (I sublet rooms in my rented house) all giving notice at the same time. I had to give up my home but I didn't let that get to me and I've been doing whatever I can to put things in place for my future. I had to deal with going to court regarding custody issues that were ongoing six years after we separated; I got through it and felt very good about the outcome. My daughter had surgery and I was worried about her; I (and she) got through that too.
Balancing full-time school with part-time work and three children takes a lot of effort and energy, but it's important to me, so I've been working hard on that - and succeeding - as well. This is midterm week, so I've taken a lot of time to study and try to prepare for them. Even though I still hadn't found a place to live, and there's still that huge balancing act with studies and work and kids and finances, I've been getting through and I've been proud of myself for how I've been managing. I lean on God, my family and friends, and my church family, and I know that He and they will help get me through somehow.
My arm is damaged and I feel my will draining from me bit by bit. I definitely feel God holding me up, but I don't feel like looking at the bright side right now. Even though I know that it is a blessing that the water didn't hit my face or my chest, I still can't help but feel destroyed inside that no matter what I do and how hard I try, and how much I overcome, these things just keep happening to me. Why? Why can't I just have a normal, boring life?
|...at least they don't keep you constantly on your toes.|
I'm scattered; I apologize. I just feel like no matter what I do, something keeps hitting me over the head. Eventually I'll just be left for dead. Don't worry; although that was definitely a tad melodramatic, I'm not suicidal and I'm not lying around bawling my head off...I'm just finding today to be a very upsetting day. And I guess that's okay. Soon enough I'll find my strength again.
I and my injured arm are off to rest now for a while. I promise I won't call HB again, okay?
*For those who are curious and not squeamish, I have posted pictures of my arm here: Day 1, me bandaged up, and today, Day 3 (warning: I just clicked the links and the pics themselves are pretty huge!).