In My Weakness I Am...Still Weak

Day 69
296 Days Remaining

I know several of you have been waiting anxiously to hear more about HB, but I`ve had a really hard time writing about him.  It seems like there just aren't the right words to express the enormity of my feelings toward him, plus so many things about our time together are precious and special and I feel the need to keep them private, so it's difficult to know how to edit things to be truthful while at the same time protecting what we had.  I was talking with a friend yesterday about it and she suggested that because I am still so wrapped up in him, it's making it difficult, and I suppose that must be true. So, while I promise I will continue on with the story, please bear with me as I work through some other things that have occurred recently.

I feel very lost today.  I have been struggling through a lot of things recently - my plate is so full that I can't see the bottom even when I dig down deep.  Part of the difficulty with blogging is that I want to be able to show my strengths and what I have already learned, and it's hard to admit that I am not always strong and that I am having a hard time with things.  Well, I have to admit it.  I am sinking under these huge burdens.

Last month I had the surprise of all three of my tenants (I sublet rooms in my rented house) all giving notice at the same time.  I had to give up my home but I didn't let that get to me and I've been doing whatever I can to put things in place for my future.  I had to deal with going to court regarding custody issues that were ongoing six years after we separated; I got through it and felt very good about the outcome.  My daughter had surgery and I was worried about her; I (and she) got through that too.

Balancing full-time school with part-time work and three children takes a lot of effort and energy, but it's important to me, so I've been working hard on that - and succeeding - as well.  This is midterm week, so I've taken a lot of time to study and try to prepare for them.  Even though I still hadn't found a place to live, and there's still that huge balancing act with studies and work and kids and finances, I've been getting through and I've been proud of myself for how I've been managing.  I lean on God, my family and friends, and my church family, and I know that He and they will help get me through somehow. 

Then two days ago, I had an accident.  While I was making myself a cup of tea, the plugged-in electric kettle got knocked over onto me and my left arm was completely drenched in water that had just reached its boiling point.  I immediately got it under cold running tap water and called 911 (in shock and in hysterics), and the ambulance took me to the hospital where I was treated for 2nd degree burns from my shoulder to my elbow.  I had to call my work and my school, both of which were extremely understanding, but this week is midterm week and I am missing out on taking those, not to mention the fact that my financial situation is shaky and not being able to work for a week will make it even shakier.  My family and friends have once again stepped in to help and encourage, but now I'm sitting at home in this empty house, and I alternate between being extremely glad that the roommates are all out and I can be alone in my suffering, and being incredibly lonely and sobbing.  Every time I go to make a cup of tea I start crying when I look at the kettle.

My arm is damaged and I feel my will draining from me bit by bit.  I definitely feel God holding me up, but I don't feel like looking at the bright side right now.  Even though I know that it is a blessing that the water didn't hit my face or my chest, I still can't help but feel destroyed inside that no matter what I do and how hard I try, and how much I overcome, these things just keep happening to me.  Why?  Why can't I just have a normal, boring life?

...at least they don't keep you constantly on your toes.

I am vulnerable and I am sad and I am scared.  I called HB from the emergency room in the hospital - I did not care about our "deal" to not speak to each other; I did not care that it might set me back or that I have resolved to work toward getting over him.  I needed him and I was going to take that one moment in time to feel protected and loved by him.  Fortunately for the moment - perhaps unfortunately for the long run, but I don't give a baboon's purple ass right now - he answered and I was able to cry to him.  His reassuring words and encouragement were exactly what I needed as I sat there in the wheelchair, my skin hanging off my arm and my clothing drenched from the water I had been using to keep it cool.  He told me that he wished he were there with me to hold me and take care of me, that he loved me, and to call him when I was home to let him know how it was.  Hearing his familiar voice calling me Baby was what I needed at that moment.  After I hung up, I felt better, and I haven't had the great need to talk with him or to have him here with me since then, which I think is a step forward even if I did slip backward into needing him when I was in great distress.  My mom and my sister and my friends have been wonderful...even Stringer has been here for me in ways that I never would have expected way back when...and although I do long for HB to be here, I am finding that just that few minutes in contact with him was enough for me. 

I'm scattered; I apologize.  I just feel like no matter what I do, something keeps hitting me over the head.  Eventually I'll just be left for dead.  Don't worry; although that was definitely a tad melodramatic, I'm not suicidal and I'm not lying around bawling my head off...I'm just finding today to be a very upsetting day.  And I guess that's okay.  Soon enough I'll find my strength again.

I and my injured arm are off to rest now for a while.  I promise I won't call HB again, okay?

L

*For those who are curious and not squeamish, I have posted pictures of my arm here: Day 1, me bandaged up, and today, Day 3 (warning: I just clicked the links and the pics themselves are pretty huge!).