An Invincible Summer

Day 166
199 Days Remaining

I figured I had better try to squeeze one or two more blog posts out of me before the end of the month - I`ve been slacking!

Well, maybe slacking in the blog posting department, but life`s been very busy, and I couldn`t be happier.  My lists are pretty much all crossed off, although of course (as per usual) I`ve been writing new ones as I go. Even old lists are getting worked on: I can cross something else off my 28 Things list!  I started dance lessons on Sunday, and I`m so happy that I am finally taking the time to do some things for just me.  I`m attending the classes with my friend PC, who I`ve known for a while, and has mentioned wanting to try dance a few times.  Since ballroom dance requires a partner (that`s what I`m taking: Social Ballroom!), it`s great that he and I can go together.  He`s really tall, too, which is very nice for me (I`m on the tall side for a woman).

Our first lesson was fairly straightforward: we learned the foxtrot and it was extremely basic.  As we moved awkwardly around the floor (PC needs to learn the steps and the rhythm, and I need to learn to follow instead of pulling him backward in anticipation of where we are supposed to go next!) I tried really hard not to look in the mirror, because aside from wanting to focus on what we were doing and encourage PC - and attempt to look graceful, of course! - I also really wanted to avoid seeing the way that funky funhouse glass warped my reflection and made me look about twice the size that I actually am, or at least as I think I am.  Double the thickness in my arms and thighs is not a good look for me, especially in combination with the odd simultaneous effect the wavy glass had of shrinking my head a few sizes.  I tried to rein in my panic and was reassured when I lamented on Facebook that this is in fact a common problem with studio "glass" mirrors...so enough of that.  Even if it is what I look like, I am not to obsess on it.

Nonetheless, it did encourage me to work toward another item on my list, and that is to get back in good shape.  I am not a large person, but I have been very lax in my workout regimen for about a year now, and I have been thinking a lot recently that it was time to get back on the wagon and start regular exercise again.  The Funhouse Dancing Glass has kick-started me back into gear: I immediately began working with the WiiFit program again and watching what I eat (although I still get Cheese Pleesers on occasion - that`s one of the perks of being single!), and a few of us Nursing students have started working out regularly in the fitness studio at school.  It`s there; it`s free (well, included in tuition, anyway); and my classmate loves designing the workouts.  Why not?  We had a great workout today and, despite my arms being very sore from the WiiFit boxing (I`m fast and furious), I managed to easily do fifty triceps dips.  It surprised me how easily the muscle memory boings back into shape.  I`m looking forward to continuing our new routine.

I've continued bi-weekly Prayer Counseling sessions with Stoney and LouLou and it has been wonderful for all three of us, so I really think this will be something we'll work toward doing often.  We've started the tradition of sushi together before heading to the meeting room, and I love that I get to see my friends so often.  They are really important people to me, and, even though LouLou and I have known each other for more than 16 years, we often get so busy that we end up not seeing each other for long periods of time.  Knowing that we have a standing date every second week, and that we're going to have good, productive and spiritual time together, is something I look forward to tremendously.  It's also given me a good opportunity to stand outside myself and the situation I am now in - which is by no means difficult, and within which I find so much joy - and really see how far I have come from where I was seven years, or five years, or even one year, ago.  The journey from pain and struggle to endurance and learning to truly trust in and lean on God has given me so much more insight into my own condition than I ever could have expected.  And the greatest thing is, in seeing how much I have changed and grown and matured thus far, I expect that one or five or seven years from now, I will be a much stronger and wiser version of me.  I look forward to the road ahead with anticipation and excitement for what new things God will show me.

I really think that the Prayer Counseling, as well as the myriad self-help books I've been reading (I think I may be addicted), are giving me a really good foundation for when I'm ready to dive back in to the dating scene...if in fact I ever do "dive" back in.  I'm currently simultaneously reading Deal Breakers by Dr. Bethany Marshall and If Love Could Think: Using Your Mind to Guide Your Heart by Alon Gratch, and gleaning little bits of wisdom here and there.  I`m not putting all my eggs in one basket by any means, but there definitely is a lot there that makes me realize what patterns and mistakes I consistently get trapped in.  I don`t want to go through this year without dating only to step right into another three-year Ferris Wheel ride like the one I stayed on with HB for too, too long.

And speaking of my dating hiatus (not like this entire blog isn`t already speaking of my dating hiatus), you may have noticed something significant about the "Days Remaining" counter at the top of my post.  Yep, that's right; I've finally made it to the point where my numbers remaining are in the 100s rather than the 200s: less than 200 days to go.  I'm almost at the halfway point!  Part of me actually panicked a little at the thought of where I'll  be in six months: not that I don't think I'll be ready to date again, but I'm so used to thinking that I'm "not allowed to", or trying to ensure that I remember my guidelines all the time, that I'm really not sure how I'll feel when suddenly I'm on the market again.  Most likely nothing much will happen - I don't get asked out a lot now, and I doubt that being once again available will make that any different - but I am beginning to see that I am making real change in myself, so by the end of this year I hope that I will have made some really good choices and positive habits that I can fall back on and continue to work with, no matter who may or may not come into my life.  I'm even more excited now that I am taking actual physical steps toward this change.

And now I have to get to bed.  I'm kind of looking forward to the soreness I know I`ll feel tomorrow, actually...it motivates me to work out even harder the next day.  Through pain and perseverance, I will meet my goals!

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer."

-- Albert Camus