Whatcan I say now that a day that I thought would never get here is now on the brink of arriving, and a year that I thought would be incredibly hard on me has almost reached its end? I can't believe that tomorrow it will be one year since that day I discovered that the man I had a coffee date with had been convicted of murder, convincing me that it was finally time to throw my hands up and give up on dating completely for a little while. I will admit that at first it was all about the novelty of it, although I definitely did recognize the potential and the value of undertaking such a year. I wasn't even sure I was going to go through with it, to be honest. Deep down, I hoped that I would actually stick to it and get something out of it, but I also knew that I do tend to get bored with things if I don't see immediate results. Plus the Drama Queen in me just liked the idea of being "out there" doing something that was - for me - quite radical. However, really deciding that I would spend the time "alone" (and I put alone in quotes, because I know I was not completely successful at keeping my mind off men - darn that masculine gender for just being so appealing to me!); doing a lot of reflection and insight into why I reached the point I reached one year ago; and having this blog (and knowing how many of you are rooting for me) have all kept me focused and working toward tomorrow. Now it's here, and it's time to stop looking backward and begin to look forward.
Part of the reason that it's hard to believe that I'm actually - finally - here at the end of this year off from dating is that the past three weeks have been a blur of preparation and busy-ness; I had the opportunity to go with a group from my church to a small town in Mexico in order to build a house for a family in need. We were gone from the 24th of July until the 4th of August, which pretty much ate up a lot of the final weeks of my hiatus. It was an amazing experience; I have a hard time putting it into words. Suffice it to say that it had a huge impact on me. I know that one of the results of this year off - which in itself actually made it a lot easier for me to go on this trip - is that I now know that I love to travel, and I want to do mission work. I know that when I am an RN, I will want to use those skills to help people who don't have access to the same kind of medical care that we do.
I don't have a lot to say right now; I'm still rather overwhelmed, both emotionally and physically, with unpacking and organizing and financial matters that have been left for the past few weeks, so I'm going to make this a short one. Here, however, is a little movie I made: my video diary compilation from Mission Mexico. I put it together to share my thoughts on the trip and some of the fun moments we had. I hope you enjoy it.
(There is a short section where there is no sound; YouTube didn`t like that I used a DC Talk song so they deleted the audio for that part of the video. Sorry `bout that.)
Mission Mexico: My Experience
And tomorrow is the last day, so I will have to find some special way to celebrate it. Let me know if you can think of anything and send your ideas my way.
So you know how I was saying in my last blog post that I wished that I could just relax and have the same faith in God when it comes to my relationships as I do when it comes to financial and other matters? That's something I've been praying for over the past few months, especially as I've been able to view my dating history through the lens of this hiatus and blog. The thing is, I think for a while I was able to do that...I just forgot. I also think that God answered my prayers long ago when I was asking him who He has for me...and again: I just quite simply forgot.
I also mentioned a while ago that I'm asking God for patience. This is the hardest thing for me. I also keep forgetting that just because something didn't work out when I originally had it in my head that it was going to, that doesn't mean that's the end of it forever. What's that saying: "Sometimes God's answer isn't Yes or No...sometimes His answer is Wait." Well, I waited, but I guess at some point I decided that I'd had enough waiting. Or perhaps I thought that enough time had passed that the answer was actually No, when instead, it was still that: Wait.
So does waiting mean sit at home and don't date anyone? Does it mean focus on someone who may or may not be the one for me and then just wait for him to figure out whether he wants me or not? Or does it mean to pray, and to trust that it will be made known to me when the right man is in my life, and then to wait until the relationship grows?
A while back, I was seeing someone. He was important to me. I loved spending time with him. I was finally in the headspace where I was ready to ask God to show me the right man for me, and as I left this man's house after an evening of hanging out together, I sat in my car and I earnestly, openly prayed: "God, is this the man that you have for me?"
The weirdest thing happened, and it's not something that has ever happened before or since: It was as though I had been struck in the heart. The certainty that I felt at that moment gave me such clarity and resolve as I felt a definite and distinct answer reverberate through me: It was a loud, clear, and emphatic YES.
I was so surprised at the physical shock to my heart and at having an answer that I started laughing. Then the thought of having a relationship with this man made me laugh harder, with delight and happiness. The excitement of our tentative relationship suddenly becoming something so obviously right had me laughing so hard that I started crying. I drove down the darkened street, tears flying from my eyes as I simultaneously bawled and shouted with the joy and certainty that I felt. Struck by lightning is the closest way I can describe that feeling, and the exultation that came afterward as I babbled aloud: "God, is this really you telling me this? I am so scared that I just want it so badly that I'm making things up in my mind...Please let it be true...Please give me the patience...Please let us share this." I didn't know if it was as real as it felt, and I was frightened that I was putting the thoughts into my head on my own. Maybe I was. But it felt so real and deep, this sudden complete knowledge that this man was the one that I will eventually marry. The experience was such a hard-hitting one that I was certain it would stick with me and continue to assure me and give me further patience.
I resolved to be patient and wait for him to be ready, and for the relationship to develop. I knew he was "the one"; therefore I would wait. As time went by, I kept waiting, but nothing happened. In fact, things started to head the other way, and as he distanced himself from me little by little, I allowed myself to be distracted. As I got sidetracked by life and this man showed no more signs that he was interested in continuing a relationship, I started to let myself believe that the magical moment in the car had just been my imagination running wild. I was disappointed, but I decided to just keep moving on. I stopped trusting in God`s plan for my relationship and started searching on my own. And - as strange as it might sound in regard to a moment that was so soul-stopping and defining for me - I completely forgot about that day in the car when I asked God if this was the man for me. The relationship - such as it was - ended, and I lost faith in a future of love and started living life on my own terms again, latching on to the wrong people in the hope that somewhere I would find a man who would be happy with me and make me happy. I forgot that I had put my trust in God and that He had assured me that I would end up with this man.
In the past few weeks, as I`ve been praying for God to bring me back to this place of trusting in Him, He suddenly brought back to me a distinct memory of the feeling I had that day in the car, and how I felt so certain that He had answered my prayer. I`ve been struggling to understand why I felt it so strongly if it wasn`t what was meant to be, as well as having such a hard time with how I could possibly have buried the memory that now comes back so strongly and intensely.
And at the same time that this memory came back into my mind, this man came back into my life.
Little by little he has been inching in, surprising me with his interest and the apparent change in his ability to move toward any kind of commitment, and little by little I have come to realize that maybe - just maybe - the answer that day in the car really was from God...but I had ignored the little addendum that I had to wait. Yes, this is the man for you...but it will take time, and you will have to learn patience. I believe that in this past year, as I have learned so much more about myself, and began to actively ask for patience and for the man who is meant to be mine to be revealed to me, my prayers are beginning to be answered. The man whom I thought I no longer had a chance with is suddenly in my life, very definitively, and showing me in so many ways that he has changed as well, and we might just be back on the track that I thought I had to let go of. Neither of us were ready back then. Our relationship ended, and I thought that was it: my last chance with him was gone. But really, it was just that I needed to take more time and have more patience as I waited. Life had a lot more distractions to throw at each of us. All the things I`ve been pondering for the last few months, all the possibilities and all the things I had to work through - it feels as though they were just things getting in the way, but in other ways they have helped me to be more ready for this moment when he has come back to me. Perhaps there are a lot more obstacles that we will have to go through before we end up together, but I have faith that this is the man I am supposed to end up with. I have so much faith in this that I am writing it here for everyone to read (and don't think that's not a scary thing to do - it is)!
I am hopeful; I am excited; and I am looking forward to the end of this dating hiatus so that I can see where we both are at and what will happen between us when I have fulfilled this yearlong commitment. Maybe it will take a lot more time - I really, really hope that I don't forget again, and that I take whatever time I need to take to wait for God's timing. In the meantime, I am praying for this man and for his heart, because I know that if there is still hesitation on his part, he needs to find peace before we can make this happen. I look back on the prayer I wrote years ago when I first wrote my MoG (Man of God) List, a prayer for my future husband, and it fits so well for what both he and I need right now. I pray again now, for him and for myself: Give him joy in place of fear, give him strength in place of worry...I ask for patience as I wait, and praise You for the joy I believe You will bring me, in Your time.
Wow. Here I am, with less than a month to go until I am officially finished this year of reflection and challenges. It's almost impossible to believe that it is almost over.
This year hasn't exactly gone the way I had expected it to. I haven't exactly lived up to all my rules, regulations, and expectations of myself. I still kissed someone. I still had to deal with attractions and crushes and relationship tests. I definitely flirted. But although I flogged myself quite a bit, I have come to realize that all of those things that I might consider "mistakes" in the context of a year without dating simply stem from inherent parts of who I am. I am a flirt. I love people and fall head over heels, get my hopes up, trust - all a little too easily. The fact that I make these mistakes is an okay thing. The main point of this year was to get to know myself better, to strengthen my relationship with God, and to be able to recognize red flags as well as men that just aren't suitable. I suppose if I had stayed away from men as completely as I wanted to, I may not have been tested enough with learning to recognize those red flags and dealbreakers. My friends have continuously helped me to remember what my goals are, as well as telling me not to be so harsh with myself when I make yet another mistake. Life is full of mistakes. I'm going to make them. I'm just lucky and blessed enough to have a circle of wonderful friends who will be there for me both while I'm making them and during the aftermath.
Did I get to know myself better? I would say so. I think I had a fairly good idea of who I was by the time I started this hiatus, but watching myself make the same mistakes yet again, reflecting on the mistakes of my past, and having a record of it that I could go back and read and analyze, has given me a more accurate picture of myself than I had when I started off this year. I look back on the way I wrote about HB and shudder. It is so clear from the writing that I was still infatuated with him, and that it was incredibly important to me to ensure that my readers did not see his negative qualities. Even in my blog, I was classically co-dependent: making excuses for my partner/lover/crush's bad behavior. HB's story probably didn't deserve to be treated as carefully as I treated it. But I thought I was in love. I'm so glad to look back and see the moment when I really recognized that this was not love, and that I was getting nothing from it but pain and stress. And that three-year-plus (sigh...why did I let it happen for that long???) waste of time and energy has finally become the lesson that it probably should have been right after he dumped me at six months in because I couldn't have his children. I can't smack myself upside the head for taking this long to finally "get it"...the main thing is, I FINALLY GOT IT. So all that time, energy, and emotion had a point after all. And now I know myself well enough to know that I will never allow that to happen again (case in point: I finally decided that The Michelin Man - dear Bibendum - was not giving me what I need, and would not be able to for a long time, if ever - and I managed to end it). I may have spend too many months hoping and believing it would somehow work out, but it took me a lot less time than it did with HB. And here's believing that my dealbreaker radar will just become exponentially sharper with time - and drown out the Hopeless Romantic who still wants a Happily Ever After when it becomes clear that Happily Ever After will not be with this particular man. (I'm not giving up my romantic side, however. More on that later. And yes, that's a hint for those of you who want to read into it.) GETTING TO KNOW MYSELF BETTER: Check!
Did I strengthen my relationship with God? Well, again, I'd have to say yes. My strength has been tested in many ways, as I talked about in my last post, but through it all I have managed to really learn to trust in and rely on God in ways that I never have before. Again, with a skim-through of all my blog posts, it's evident that God is present in my life in a way that He wasn't when I began the blog. For one thing, I hardly ever mention God or my belief system or Christianity in the early posts, and now I don't think I go a single post without mentioning it in some form or another. It may turn some people off, but that's also okay. To me, that really illustrates that I have a deeper relationship with the God that I longed to know as I child. The faith, trust, belief and inherent happiness that I have from that relationship is what's important in my growth and learning. GETTING TO KNOW GOD BETTER: Check!
As for recognizing red flags, I think I've gotten much better at it. I also have learned that I can't "fix" anyone or expect them to change. The problem I've still got to work on is cutting things off as soon as I recognize the red flags or dealbreakers. HB took me over three years. The Michelin Man took me five months. Like I mentioned earlier: let's hope each time is exponentially shorter. Or let's just hope I have the right man in my life the next time. RECOGNIZING RED FLAGS: Check! BOOTING OUT THE DEALBREAKERS: Getting there.
The "Don't"s I managed to Not Do:No online dating. No sex. No getting together with an ex. No physical dating. DON'T accept dates. DON'T give out your phone number.
All right! I did have some successes. No more self-flagellation - I actually stuck to it pretty well. The physical stuff was mostly easy...but then again, I know that for me it's always the emotional stuff.
The "Do"s I managed to Actually Do: DO try new places, with friends or on your own. DO find a new hobby. DO delete numbers of guys that you no longer see. DO tell guys who try to slip back into your life that you're not interested. DO surround yourself with good friends - and rid your life of
enablers.
I took ballroom dancing lessons. I took a trip to California on my own. I managed to get rid of the last emotional pull of HB. I went out with friends more often and turned to them when the going got tough.
You know what? Even if I've been fairly hard on myself from time to time for the things that I didn't manage to stick to while on this hiatus, I actually see that I've done a pretty good job. I do believe I have accomplished what I intended and hoped to, even if the trail was a bit bumpy, and I'm starting to feel as though I am ready to start going out on dates again (actually I'm really really looking forward to a date or two...is it bad that I've already started editing my old PoF profile so that I can put it back online on August 10th??). The difference is that now I just want to date to get to know a few people and have some fun. I'm not going to rush into anything. But...(and here's another hint:) the latest twist in my life is a resurrection from the past; a certain person has popped up and I am finding that I would like to get to know him all over again...so who knows: maybe I won't be having too many of those dates after all. But that is a story for another day...and there are 29 more of those to go.
You may recall my desperate post from October of last year, when everything was falling apart and I felt completely overwhelmed. My tenants all gave their notice and it looked as though I would be homeless by the following month. My daughter was having repeat surgery on her feet. Custody issues were going to court and I was having to face my children`s father in what was rapidly becoming an overly emotional state - which had not served me well the last time we met in court. And to top it all off, I had an accident that ended up giving me second-degree burns and required an ambulance, a trip to the emergency room, burn dressings, and a week off school, during which I missed my midterm exams. It felt as though everything was falling completely apart right beneath me.
Okay, maybe not this dramatic...but it can feel like it sometimes.
That dreary and panicky October was a turning point for me. It was in that time of darkness and uncertainty that I really recognized that there was nothing much left for me to do but simply trust and let God carry me. I did pray, both for help and for direction, but I was terrified. I had to learn to let go completely of the worry, do whatever practical things I could do to help my situation, and simply believe that I would be taken care of. The Bible verse that I consistently return to in times of trouble reassured me: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the
Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) To me this verse is a reminder that there is a greater purpose to my life than just to suffer through whatever is handed to me. It's a reminder that I will get through and that I will be better for it, and that something more wonderful will be waiting when it's all over. Even though at the time I found it difficult to believe that things were going to turn out and that I would come out the other side of that difficult month unscathed, I had to hold on to it or I would have fallen apart completely. I cried along to a particular song by Mandisa on the radio every time it came on, trying desperately to believe her words: When the waves are taking you under / Hold on just a little bit longer / He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger / The pain ain't gonna last forever / And things can only get better / Believe me / This is gonna make you stronger (oh, how I bawled...and it wasn't even that Katy Perry time of month!). I tried so hard to believe that I would come through it as a stronger person, but at the time it was so difficult to imagine that there would ever be a time without pain and difficulty.
Every time the panic would hit, I would take a deep breath and remind myself that God had my back and that He wasn't going to let me fall. I would sing a little bit of "Stronger" to myself or I would quote myself that favorite Bible verse. I would get on the Internet and search for new places to live, or new roommates, or applications for subsidized housing, or reassuring quotes - anything that would help me to feel as though I was doing what I could to move forward. And I learned to trust, and I slowly gained a sense of peace.
And wouldn`t you know it: things worked out just fine. My daughter sailed through her surgery. The custody hearing went very well (I managed to keep a cool head and we both ended up happy with how it had gone). I decided to put an ad online for a new roommate for one weekend only, to see if it would get any bites, and found a great roommate within an hour of posting the ad (well, that was Fig, so maybe it wasn't the greatest situation...but it was a good temporary solution and served us well until the house sold last month and I moved into my new home). My landlord lowered the rent. My burn healed well, and I managed to get all my midterms caught up on. Everything had fallen into place.
Since that time, I have found that there is a significant change in my thinking. I no longer spend entire nights tossing and turning when financial worries or worries about my children and family kick in. Along with the innate sense of joy (in life; in God; in people) that I feel deep inside has come an innatepeacefulness. It's so nice; I can't even explain how nice it is to just have complete and utter faith that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. I can trust that I will be looked after because every single time I have needed help with a difficult situation, something miraculous has happened that has saved my butt. Of course I always do whatever I can to work toward a better end, but I don't waste time worrying about it. (And if you will indulge me one more Bible verse - I know this blog post may be coming across a bit preachy, but trust me: I have a further point and I am getting to it! - I always like to quote Luke 12:25: Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?) Worrying gets me nowhere but mired in further anxiety. Worrying wastes the time that I could be using to try to solve my problems. Most importantly: worrying is not going to change the outcome. What will happen is going to happen, so why should I spend the time leading up to that outcome in panic?
So here is the point that I finally realized the other day: If I can so completely and totally trust that God will bring into my life what I need, and will take care of my home and family and finances, then why in the world can I not entrust the development of my relationships to him? Why have I wasted so much time feeling like I will always be alone? Why have I tried too hard in relationships that are obviously going nowhere? Why do I try to pick apart all the red flags that so quickly become obvious when I attempt to get to know the wrong man? I wish that I could just sit back, trust that I will meet the right one, and do the work I need to do in order to be the right woman. The year off; this blog and all the reflecting I am doing - as well as the mistakes I'm making and the restitution I have attempted - they are all part of that work. Yet, in some way, it represents a whole lot of worry about a future that is inevitable. I don't want to spend so much time analyzing everything. I just want to enjoy my life, and the people that are in it, as it is now, and look forward to whatever will end up happening in it.
I want to trust that God has my future relationship in His hands and that He will bring it to me when I am ready. I want that peacefulness in my heart so that I can just sit back and say, "Someday I will find the man who will be right for me, and I will recognize him." In the meantime, I have to be able to recognize the ones who are not the right man, and - more difficult - I have to let them go.
So, on that note, here we go: finally, I can admit to myself - and to all of you: In all likelihood, the Michelin Man will not be the man for me. I know this is most likely true, and I have known it for quite a long time. He probably will not be the man I marry. Slowly but surely, I am letting the hope I had for that possibility die. And it's all right. While I believe his intentions are good, there are too many things in his life that mean I believe I would end up short-changed if we were to attempt a relationship. It's been nearly five months now, and we have yet to meet, and the reasons (excuses? I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but it doesn't really matter) are all on his end. We are still in touch with each other, but I have pulled back, and truthfully, he's been too busy to really notice much of my disconnect, and that has really sealed it for me. I still want it - yes, I still see him as an important figure in my life, and I long for us to push things further once I am done my hiatus - but perhaps it`s just not the right time, for either of us. Any other red flags I may have mentioned in the past aside, if a man is too busy to notice whether I'm there or not, then he's not the man I'm going to share my life with. A relationship, especially in its beginning stages, requires a lot of effort. A long-distance relationship requires even more effort. He - whether for legitimate reasons or simply because he cares more about other things than about working on the possibility of an "us" - is not showing me (perhaps is not able to show me) a level of effort that convinces me that we would be happy if we ever actually managed to get together. Well, he might be happy, but I know I wouldn't. And I'm the only one I really have to worry about in this scenario, aren't I?
Boiled down: I want to trust and relax into the knowledge that I will find the man I am supposed to be with, and continue to work on myself. I want to become content with the possibility that I may never marry again, and find joy and peace in the future that I am building for myself and my children. I think the recognition of my longing for that peacefulness is Step 1 toward finding it.
Every so often an opportunity comes your way and you wonder
if it would be wise to take it. Sometimes it would be best to
let it go by the wayside. Other times, it makes sense to just
take a deep breath, steel yourself, and jump in to see what happens.
Such an opportunity came up a couple of weeks ago for me.
Chica, a good friend of mine, was packing up to move back to her old
home on the mainland, and asked if I could help her out by driving
her car across on the ferry while she drove the loaded moving van.
A free trip to Vancouver (normally $50+ each way just for the vehicle, and paying $16 for each passenger on top of that) sounded good to me! I agreed, as long
as it was all right for my young son, Number 3, to come along.
She was happy to have him join us, especially since her two cats
would be in crates in the backseat and she knew my sweet kiddo would
be a calming influence for them during the trauma of a long drive and
unfamiliar setting.
Vancouver skyline
I realized that this free trip to Vancouver could also offer me
the opportunity - if I desired - to see HB. And when I realized
that, I took a step outside of myself to examine how I felt about
that possibility. HB and I stopped talking after we last saw each other at the end of December, but over the last couple of months
since my trip to California we have occasionally sent a text message (I
sent him a photo from Reality Rally of me with Phillip Sheppard - the
Specialist himself - from Survivor; HB loved him on that show and was
awed that I got to meet him). We have reached a point where I felt
there was no harm in tepid contact here and there. Of course, I
always double-check how I'm feeling about it, but I have even gotten
to the point where there is just nothing left there; perhaps I still
feel some remnants of affection, but even that feels as though it is
being seen through a screen or felt through a filter. He is
someone I used to care about a lot, but I was fairly sure that I
would be okay if I saw him. I sent him a quick text asking if
he wanted to do dinner with Number 3 and myself when I was in town.
It's funny to really recognize how much I have gotten over him.
I remember the days when I would send a text and wait anxiously for
one in return. I would have moments of panic if he didn't
respond immediately, or if he didn't respond the way I had hoped or
expected that he would. If my text ringtone would sound, my heart
would start beating faster, hoping it was a message from him. This time, after I sent the message, I went about my business and promptly
forgot that I had sent anything at all.
I didn't tell anyone that I had contacted HB, and I know that it
was because I was worried about the backlash and the worry flurry that I am used to from my friends when it comes to him and my tender feelings. Chica and I initially met through HB, as he was good friends with both her and
her husband, so she had been there and watched the whole story evolve...and erupt. She had been there for me through our first breakup, and
our second, and our third...and she staunchly supported me as I
worked through getting past him. I always like to say that at least
one good thing came of my relationship with HB, and that is my
friendship with Chica. Stoney, of course, has also seen and heard it
all as I let HB have my heart time and time again. I knew that she
would understand if I told her I might see HB – both of them would
– but I also knew that they would likely both worry about my
vulnerability to him and his charms. I was fairly sure I could handle this on my own, but I knew that if I felt conflicted about it at any time, I could ask either one of them for advice and would get solid, constructive help if I needed it. I didn't feel I needed it quite yet. So I kept my silence for the
time being and continued to reflect on whether seeing him would be a
good idea, or a foolhardy one.
When HB wrote back in enthusiastic agreement to getting together
for dinner, expressing how much he looked forward to seeing me and
Number 3 and imagining how big my little boy must be by now, I read
his text and then checked my heart rate (no, not literally). There
appeared to be no physiological reaction whatsoever to either his
text or the thought of seeing him – no racing pulse; no thumping
heart; no gasps for breath. No immediate need to throw up, either,
so I came to the conclusion that I would be all right if I saw him
again. The realization that I didn't really care whether I saw him
or not gave me some curiosity, as though I was looking at a specimen
under a microscope and observing no visible reaction. Hm,
I thought; Interesting. If
it worked out to meet for dinner, I decided, we would do so.
The day before we planned to leave, I
casually mentioned the possibility of dinner with HB to my son. He lit up, and that was
the absolute deciding factor for me. HB and my younger son (who met
him when he was only 7, and had him as a presence in his life for
three years) had a special relationship. HB looked at my son as the
perfect model for his own future children; indeed, he told me that
the main reason he wanted to have children of his own was because he
was so in love with my little guy. Number 3 looked at HB as a good pal and a
role model, someone he could respect and look up to. The two of them
had always had a special bond, and when the three of us would hang
out together I was often left in the dust as they played their silly
little games with the energy only little boys (and grown-up little
boys) have. So, for me, seeing Number 3 so excited at the thought of seeing
his old pal – and having also noted HB's pleasure at the prospect – meant that I would do everything I could to make it
happen if it was at all possible. I texted HB back, and we arranged
to meet at his work on Saturday afternoon when he wrapped up his twelve-hour shift. He would take us out for dinner, and then drive
us back to the ferry to head back home as walk-on passengers.
For me, the most telling moments were
not my own reactions to thoughts of or texts from HB. The moments of highest impact were the ones when I finally told my friends that I planned to see HB.
There were no wary headshakes, no warnings to guard my heart, no
admonishments against placing myself directly in the line of fire. I
told Chica as we loaded up the moving van that I was going to head to
meet HB for dinner directly after we unloaded at her new home, and
she accepted the news with a nod, telling me simply that she'd make sure I
got on the right SkyTrain to get to the police station where he now
works. She didn't even ask if I thought I would be okay or if this really was a good idea. The same
thing happened when I texted Stoney from the ferry terminal as we sat
in the lineup – no reaction of surprise, worry or caution. When I
asked her about it, she said that she no longer worried about me when
it came to HB; she knew that I had grown enough to deal with any
emotions that might come up, and she also felt that I had worked
through those old emotions enough to be strong enough to see him.
She did suggest that he might try to lure me back in, but also
reiterated that she believed that I could handle that. My friends'
faith in my strength and in the knowledge that HB is truly now in my past made me feel really good about the decision to see him, and even more certain that I would be able to handle whatever may happen.
Number 3 and I met HB outside his work and climbed into his shiny new car. HB looked just the same, but it didn`t rock my heart; it was simply pleasant to see his smile at seeing us and how happy Number 3 was to be strapped into the back of HB`s "cool" Mercedes. It was just like old times between the two of them, and I'm sure HB also felt it was like old times between us - two great friends hanging out, enjoying each other's company, and sharing a tasty meal and some comfortable casual conversation. But for me, something had definitely been released that January day when I wrote my goodbye letter to HB - the letter I never sent, but wrote in a furious rant in my desperation to purge him from my system, and shared with my blog readers. I felt much more relaxed and free than I ever did during the three years I fought to figure out where I stood with HB, because now, finally, I know exactly where I stand, and that it's not up to him. It was up to me all along, and when I finally made that decision for myself, I let go of every expectation I ever had of him. I`m glad that I took the chance to spend some time with him so that I could know for sure that The Story of HB is now fully and completely wrapped up.
When HB dropped us off at the ferry terminal, he gave me a long, familiar hug and kissed my cheek and my neck like he used to do, but it didn`t feel as though he was trying to get anything out of me, or to pull me back in. It just felt as though he was expressing affection in the best way that he knew how. I gave him a little extra squeeze, and took Number 3`s hand, and we walked into the terminal as Number 3 and HB sent each other frantic and delighted waves of farewell.
And then I went back to my life, leaving HB in my figurative rearview mirror...exactly where he now belongs.
Once upon a time, a long time ago, I had a different life than I have now. I was married. I had three young children and was an exhausted and sometimes overwhelmed stay-at-home mother. I had a completely different set of friends and did completely different things and enjoyed completely different things. I certainly would never have imagined that I, the girl who was terrified of hospitals and couldn't handle driving past graveyards, would end up working with the elderly and dying, and washing deceased bodies to prepare them for their families to view. Nor would it have occurred to me, as a completely right-brained artistic and dramatic person, that I would ever end up getting a 95% in Math (when I finally managed to finish it, as an adult learner) or attempting to earn a Bachelor's degree in Science.
Yes, my life was filled with many things that are completely different from what I now fill my days with. One of those things was my best friend, Lori.
Lori and I were the closest of best friends. I felt as though I knew her inside and out. We loved to talk and laugh and play with the kids; she didn`t yet have any of her own and adored mine, even babysitting for them on occasion so that my husband and I could enjoy some time alone. We both loved to act and talked about our dreams to one day star in a film that would change modern cinema and have huge impact on its viewers. Occasionally, we had the chance to do background work for a movie when a film crew would come into town, and it felt as though our dreams would eventually be realized. She was a true friend to me, supporting me through all the difficult days as a young mother, and listening whenever marital problems reared their ugly heads. Her Christianity was an inspiration to me; although I considered myself to be a Christian, Lori had been raised in the church, with a large and happy family, and whose parents were still together. I longed for the stability and love that Lori had in her life, especially as my marriage was getting to feel as though it was on rockier and rockier ground. I could see that Lori had a real relationship with God, and although I had followed my husband and accepted his faith and brought it into my own life, I couldn't make that connection with Him in the personal way that Lori so obviously had. Her trust and faith and genuineness shone out from her. I loved her with all that was in me. At least, I thought I did.
For as I asked myself many, many times over the next several years, how could I love someone so very much, and still betray her?
It's so hard to look back on that time, so many years ago, and be able to accurately describe what happened and what led up to that point. I feel as though I can't outright say what happened between us, for more than one reason: for one, it doesn`t do anyone any good to rehash it; for another, it feels so far removed from me that I literally have a difficult time believing that I was capable of causing anyone - especially someone whom I loved so deeply - such pain. However, the past cannot be changed, and the fact remains: I did hurt Lori. I hurt her in a way that wounded her so deeply, I thought she could never forgive me. And our friendship was instantly, irretrievably, cut off. Through the selfishness and thoughtless actions that were almost par for the course to me in those days, I lost one of the people who meant the most to me in the entire world.
After Lori discovered my betrayal of our friendship, she immediately stopped speaking to me. As much pain as that caused me, I knew that she was in a tremendous amount of pain herself, and I longed to reach out to her. For the first while, I stopped myself, knowing that I needed to give her space, but as the days turned into weeks and then the weeks into months, I found myself creating several fantasies of how we would find each other again. She would forgive me, I knew it. She would understand that there was something crazy going on in my head (for although I was still several years away from my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, I had felt for a long time as though I was in the control of something other than just myself) and she would open her arms and welcome me back into her life. She missed me just as much as I missed her. There was nothing that could not be forgiven. On and on I went in my mind, certain that somehow, I could make this better. At times, completely illogically, I found that I was feeling angry with her for not being able to understand how much pain I, myself, was in...and the reasons why I had it in me to do what I had done. She was my best friend - shouldn`t she understand? Shouldn't she "get" me, and forgive me as a matter of course?
But what I knew most of all was that even if I never got forgiveness from Lori, I needed to forgive myself, and I needed forgiveness from God for what I had done and how I had placed myself above everyone who was dear to me. I prayed and I stretched my spirit out, longing to feel that connection, longing to believe that God was there and that He would absolve me of all my sins. I read my Bible and tried to understand what it was within in me that had brought me to this place of misery, and how I could possibly turn my life around and never be that kind of person again. I finally put pen to paper and wrote Lori a letter of apology, praying as I wrote it that God would keep my heart sincere and that I was not just writing it in order to make things right between myself and Lori and bring them back to where they had been. I did not want to manipulate her into accepting me back into her life; I wanted to be open, honest and completely straightforward in what I said to her. I honestly wanted to recognize my responsibility for hurting her so badly, and to tell her how sorry I was for the devastation it had caused her. I poured out my heart, confessed my sins and apologized as well as I could for her pain, and asked her for her forgiveness. I told her that I was trying so hard to see God in my life and that I had asked Him to forgive me, and that I knew that despite everything in me that was still wrong, I knew that I was forgiven. I wrote, I prayed, I mailed it, and I tried to move on, and began the long, slow, difficult process of making changes in myself and in my life.
A few weeks later, a letter arrived in the mail. My hands shook as I recognized the handwriting and realized that it was from Lori. I opened the letter with my heart slamming against my sternum; the anticipation and panic almost caused me to throw the letter in a pile to open later. But I forced myself to see what she had written, and it was with a grateful heart that I saw that Lori, even in her pain, had done her best to understand where I was coming from and to tell me that yes, she believed that I was being sincere and not just trying to have the last word. The tears in my eyes became heaving sobs as I read that she had forgiven me, wholly and completely...but she would prefer not to hear from me again.
I had grown enough that I recognized that this was a gift, and that it was enough. Lori's forgiveness was all I really needed; of course my heart longed for her friendship, as well, but I knew that it could never be the same again. My heart was lighter after receiving Lori's letter, and I was able to move on. As time went by and I dealt with other things - namely, the breakup of my marriage and all the other difficulties that brought with it - I had to allow myself to let go of Lori and what could have been. I knew that the loss was my own fault, and I kept Lori and her family in my prayers. I still think of her fairly often.
There is a song on the Christian radio station that has been played on occasion over the past few years, and every time I hear it, it makes me think of Lori and our lost friendship.
I wish you could see me now; I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was
I was thinkin' maybe I
Should let you know
That I am not the same
That I never did forget your name
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was...
I know how very much I have changed. The past seven years have brought so much growth and pain that I cannot even imagine being the person that I was all those years ago. Sometimes I wish that I could run into Lori so that she could see, she could know, that I am not who I was. That I am no longer that person who had the capability to hurt her so deeply. That no matter what, there is no way that I would ever allow anyone to ever cause her pain the way that I caused her pain. And that I am so, so very sorry.
A couple of months ago, somehow, I ran across a video of Lori that had been made very recently. In the video, Lori, her husband, and their three young children were playing and laughing together. After the initial shock of seeing her after all this time came the longing to talk to her and to hug her. Then came the pain at seeing her beautiful children and knowing that I had deprived myself of ever getting to meet and know them. The tears came down as I watched my beautiful former friend...and I could see that she is happy. As much as I long to know her again, as much as I wish that she could see who I am now, more than that is the joy in knowing that she has a beautiful life and that she has moved on into a today that is better than any of the yesterdays that I was a part of. My tears of loss for myself melted into tears of joy for her joy. I knew then that no matter how much I have changed, there is no way that I could ever attempt to make contact with her again. She gave me forgiveness, and asked for my absence from her life. It would be completely selfish of me to infiltrate that happiness with all the reminders of what once was.
And almost as though it had been pre-ordained, a few days later I was flipping through a book I hadn't lifted off my shelf in a long time, and a folded letter fell from it. Again the tears pricked my eyes and my heart jumped as I realized this was Lori's letter to me from shortly after I wrote her. The handwritten words wavered as I re-read it through a shocked waterfall of tears, but it felt almost as though everything had finally come full circle. I didn't know at the time, and maybe Lori hadn't known either, but her words to me were prophetic. As I stood in my comfortable home, a happy woman learning more about myself every day and moving toward an amazing future with a great career, feeling so much closer to God than I ever have and longing to find ways to serve Him and get to know Him better, I read what Lori had written to me so long before:
"What you were was a sinful, wicked woman. What you are now is fully forgiven. What you will become is yet to be determined."
I can look at who I was then and know that I am no longer that woman who could betray her best friend. What I have become is so much more than I was back then. There is still so much room for me to become much more of a whole person, but I know I'm on my way. I am so grateful for everything that has happened in my life that has brought me to where I am now, and somehow I know that Lori would be pleasedif she knew how hard I've tried, and how hard I continue trying. And that's enough for me.
L
I'm Not Who I Was (C) Brandon Heath, 2007 Provident Music Group LLC
I've got lots of thoughts to share with you all (often I'll find myself composing paragraphs in my head and hoping that I'll remember them when it comes to blog posting time), but I've been back to being busy as all get out. Tomorrow, especially, is a very long day: I've got practicum from 6:45 until 1pm, then a training session for work from 1:30 until 3:30, and then actual work from 4:30 to 9:30. Never let it be said that I am lazy!
Actually, today, knowing what kind of day awaits me tomorrow, "lazy" is exactly what I attempted to be. After practicum I went and had a nice relaxed visit with Stoney, then spent some time just sitting around the house, telling myself I needed to save up all my energy for tomorrow. But I had stripped the bed this morning (as soon as my alarm rang I sat up and began stripping pillowcases from right under my head, and pulled the fitted sheet off the corners of the bed until I was smack dab in the middle of a small mountain of linen and had to get up and throw them in the wash), so it needed new sheets. And I need to eat tomorrow, so an hour or so in the kitchen preparing all the meals and snacks I'll need (so I can throw them into the cooler to enjoy all day) was essential. And the bicycle repair shop called to say my bike is now roadworthy after languishing in the basement for the past two years, so I had to go get it and ride it home. And of course the sheets from this morning were washed, along with two other loads of laundry, so I had to fold it. And now, of course, the blog needs to be updated. So while I was trying to be lazy, I actually got a lot accomplished, and it felt a lot better than sitting on my bottom all day. It also had the added benefit of getting me really tired, ready to wind down the day and get to bed fairly soon.
So why, on top of all the other things that I had to do today (oh yes; I also stopped by the high school to bring my tired hard-working oldest child a coffee so that she could make it through her very long day), am I feeling the need to update the blog? Well, check out the counter at the top of the page: I am at Day 300 of my year away from dating.
copyright Sara Parets photography
Day 300!!!I can`t believe it! I`m 82.2% of the way through this year. It`s impossible to really articulate all the things that I have learned this year. Although I can see myself falling back into some old habits, the most important part about that statement is the part where I said "I can see myself". I am now recognizing these tendencies more than I might have three hundred days ago. Deciding what to do about them, well; that might be another story. I'm definitely nowhere near infallible after 300 days of blogging, self-reflection, and dealing with my emotions, but I'm closer to being able to more quickly get myself out of situations that might not be best for me. I'm hoping I'm healthier. I'm definitely happier, and that will be addressed in my next blog post. In the meantime, I wanted to take a few minutes before bed (my self-imposed deadline is 10:00 and that is in one minute) to celebrate another milestone, and to share it with all of you. As soon as I can relax a little bit, I'll be heading straight back to my keyboard to talk about contentment, faith, and relaxing into my future. At least, that's the plan. I'll probably think of seventeen million other topics I want to address before I actually get the chance to write them. But there are still sixty-five days left for me to talk about all the other things on my mind.
